My pdoc got back to me and doubled the Zyprexa dose to 10 mg. I see her on Friday. She said that if I'm not better after a couple of days on this dose, she would consider hospitalizing me.

But I'm not there. Not even close. That I can say with clear eyes. We just have to see what is to come. I haven't had a hallucination for about a week, since I started taking the Zyprexa. Actually, there was one, the first night.

Light bothers me a great deal and this actually is an indication for me that something just isn't right. I was just talking on the phone and rocking back and forth. I need to, and it's just comforting.

I took a klonopin about an hour and a half ago and have calmed down quite a bit. Normally by now I'd be fast asleep, but I'm not even close to that. But I'm so grateful it has relaxed me to a point.

Since I took a klonopin during the day, I won't take it tonight, just the 10 of Zyprexa and the rest of my meds.

And NO ALCOHOL!

I did something terrible, awful at work today. I work in healthcare. A patient said something that was funny, but it was also very sad and I burst out laughing. Then he said something else of that sort, and I laughed again. So so so unprofessional. I'm mortified. And I'm so sorry for the patient that one of his providers acted this way instead of with quiet compassion, which I think is what he needed. I NEVER would have done that in my right mind. At least tomorrow is my day off. And I hope hope hope to be better by Friday.