After my father died this year i had to face pain and regret going back with my mind to things that I had almost forgotten
Childhood memories, teenage years and early twenties

I had troubles in the passage from high school to university, and in my early twenties i developped compulsive lying and did **** like telling people i was ok when i wasn't, studying when i wasn't
I wasnt sure of the uni i picked and was ashamed of it
I was very in a shy way looking for other people approval and being introverted af and a bit shady at the same time
One day (more that ten years ago, i was 21) i was approached by a friend of a friend. I already knew he was interest in me
I dont now what i did because he was very gentle in it but i behaved like a cold hearted ***** saying that... i was interested in another guy that i knew
And nobody could undestand why i would do so. I think i was not interested in him but then regret it shortly after
I was thinking "what am i doing?" still, i remain paralyzed
In fact i now can realize that i was a true sociopath
I remain paralyzed, i could not say anything else to him and my/his friend
I regret it immediately but since i rejected him at first, i probably said to myself "this is done. Go hide yourself and run away from the hate of him"
I was also not used to being approched, scared of "young things"
But i felt his and my pain in it

Months passes... and i ended up dating the other guy which was rude and thinkibg i was very unhappy and "what happened to me/my life" inside
Still, from the moment our relationship became official it was done
My life was done i was his girlfriend
And i freezed and stayed there and i was not much in love with him but fake it and fake also a life on Facebook, having the first guy among the contacts

I honestly think i was unable to love or be caring, in fact i could take care of my own life too
But the relationship with the second guy made it worst because i suffocated something of me, a side who started feeling that i was missing out true love; and became an angry person
i left him almost three years after we had discussion on porn and my look

But at the point i felt screwed
Never conctacted the first guy because i kind of remove what happened and he was now having his life again

Then my life... didn't go on
I went in psychotherapy but had trouble fixing my career, and went down, and down as a person
I've been into random brief relationship i was not comfortable with for different reasons
(and had to rethink my behaviours but continued to go down)

After eleven years i had almost a shock remembering that guy, and i think letting him go was a little trauma for me
I cried desperate going too late through this "epyphany" because i think that he was good and gentle and i could have been good and maybe a better person with him
I have a sexual dysfuction and im pretty sure i could have fix it with him
I have reasons to think he could have been the right person for me as he was very warm and funny but also gentle

I cried thinking about time, my life, family
I lost time and now grief and loss are here.

I wish i've been good... with this gift called life

Sorry, it was just to vent

Hope you did a bit bettet