Today was nowhere's near as painful as yesterday. I am very greatful for that.

I was awake through the night until after 5 a.m. this morning. Finally, I slept on the couch for 5 hours, till 10:30 a.m. Then I had cereal and hot chocolate and slept more. When I woke up, it was like something heavy was lifted off me. I wasn't being crushed by grief.

That's how a severe attack of depression is for me. It's like a bad cold or the flu. I feel so lousy, and nothing can make it go away. It just has to run its course. Nothing I do will make it leave sooner, rather than later. It has to "run its course." People tell me to use "coping skills." I have never found that the least but helpful for an episode of severe depression.

Time passes. I endure the awful pain. The thing runs its course. Then I can feel surprisingly relieved. I never understand what happened inside me that led to me feeling relieved of the awful pain.

When I'm in all that pain, I tell myself that I've felt pain like that in past depressive episodes, which eventually passed. I try to hope it will pass again, but I don't really believe that.

Now I am hungry and looking forward to the meatball sandwich I am going out to buy. I want to clean the dishes and straighten up the messy kitchen tonight. Then maybe tomorrow will be a day I get more done . . . and feel reasonably okay.

Last evening was a horror show. Please, God, let me not descend into that tonight. I beg all that is holy to grant me some mercy.

I thank you, divine, Open Eyes, Terry, una luna - for being here with me. Feeling alone is part of the awfulness. You all, and others above, take away some of the aloneness.

I think that was what helped in the hospital. People were around me - staff and patients. And - God Bless them - they interacted with me, often quite generously. It made the horribleness bearable.

I must get my dinner. I think I'll get some beer too. I've not turned to alcohol as an analgesic, since my boyfriend died. I just have had the occasional wine spritzer with supper. When I was much younger, I did use alcohol for relief. It did help. I never became a big drinker. I just didn't have the stomach for heavy drinking. I threw up too easily. For years now, I drink only rather lightly.

But tonight I want whatever will spare me the pain of last night. Maybe a couple of beers and a good TV show will get me through the remaining hours, before sleep rescues me.

I wish you all a good evening and a peaceful night. Please visit me when you can. Your kindness now brings tears to my eyes.