So today somehow the topic of CSA came up. I hardly ever get emotional in front of her but today my voice of breaking constantly. I didn't cry but I certainly felt like there were tears in my eyes and I was trying to keep it in the whole time.

It actually such a different feeling cos I have talked about it before but I was so numb, like I was talking about it but it didn't meant anything to me. Today was different, I can feel that I was starting to actually feel those same feelings I used to feel when I was a kid. and It hit me hard. those familiar helpless feelings that dreaded me day in day out and there was no where to escape. I guess in a way this is a good sign, and something is shifting.

In the past I managed everything with an eating disorder. I starved myself so I'll be numb and not feel anything at all. I guess now that I'm recovering from an eating disorder its scary to feel things so strongly, and actually facing them.

I don't know if she noticed how emotional I was, I guess it wasn't hard to tell. I think sometimes I still found it hard to hear from her how traumatic things were for me. She actually brought up this topic today when I was trying to defend my abusers and trying to say that they were nice people. I guess I just get in the habit of making excuses for other people, I guess its always easier to deal with something if you can find a reason why they did xyz.