I think I gotta tell T on Saturday that I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm tired of pushing through which is what it feels like I'm doing and I just want to disengage from everything and everyone and go back to bad coping mechanisms. I feel like I'm going to relapse or fall apart or maybe both. This is bad timing as my parents are going away this weekend. I need to keep it together this weekend. But I'm exhausted to the bone of just pushing through. I need someone to carry me for a while. I feel like my nephew must have felt like after a long day at Disneyland where he sat his butt down on the ground and did not want to move. I couldn't carry him because we already had his little brother to carry and the packages and everyone's stuff so he had to walk. I was like, "Honey, I'm so sorry but you have to get up and walk to the tram. You have to. I can't carry you." But when we drove home I carried him from the car to the bed because he was just done. That's how I am: done. Except it hasn't been a fun old day at Disneyland. I know I need to text my support people but I'm tired of doing that too. I just want to **** up. And then have to deal with the fall out even if it means hospitalization. But I know that's just part of me talking because I really don't want to be hospitalized so I have to have to have to pull it together. **** it!