Newtus you're doing good. You seem like a person that will be worrying much less in the future. This is the struggle right now.. THE s-t-r-u-g-g-l-l-l-l-l-e-e-e

Never give up!

For me too.. I have nothing figured out right now and the video chat people grilled me. My sister grilled me for changing my online courses - I stood there with my face all red - Like what the hell do I do? People need to stop putting thoughts into my head..

The meaning of life is to just be alive - OMG my cat meows at me..

But you can do anything you want. Anything you damn please - You make what is right or wrong with the pressure of society weighing down on you - Like a form of mind control.

I believe that mind control is needed because even 100-200 years ago, people were savages, dying from diseases - The future is going to be great with technology and medical technology.. So be healthy, don't smoke, exercise.. I'm going on a hike with my mom after she gets home from work.

There's only so much that I can do... I have no idea what to do - Well I do but there's so many things.. I think about being an entrepreneur because spending my time working for just enough to live really triggers me especially other people (And I know that it shouldn't) - Like "I only have 3 dollars in my bank account" - I don't get it.. Stop buying drugs then. I had the money to buy drugs - If I didn't, I wouldn't have.. That's why my mom controls my money.

But imagine.. Working full time - Asexual, depression.. That's what I did for a while.. I was thinking dark af thoughts - "I can see your smile" *Puts on fake smile*...

I feel like my ex step dad and what he did to me was so serious that I lost a lot of my sense of humour. I used to be so popular in school because I was funny - In class, yard, on the bus.. My teacher said (Before I left Ireland), "I hope you don't lose that unique sense of humour that you have" - I barely remember things but that's one thing that I remembered..

My ex step dad wasn't funny. And I think the opposite of humour is FEAR - Like when I smoke too much weed - I think that everyone is laughing at me when they're laughing.

I just need to learn to relax - I coped the wrong way using Xanax and that's why I ended up in the hospital maybe - But also because of what the soldiers and cyptro investor said with OCD thoughts driving me nuts to no end about it - Because partially, they made me realize things that normal people realized before me at this age or just basic common sense.

I have very little common sense because my brain is using a lot of efficiency for other things - Like solving, analyzing, feeling, avoiding pain, embarrassment, trying to survive in this culture. I'm nihilistic sometimes and have odd thoughts that are disconnected from culture.

If only I could just figure things out instead of having so much anxiety. Sometimes I'd like to press fast forward on my life to get to the possible better part - But the obvious idea is to live in the moment - The struggle, never give up and keep going forward.

I can never think of things at the top of my head when I explain what I do to people because it's not connected - I think that's why I get so solipsistic. I need people to see who I am in a way that isn't wrong, authentically - Yet people say I lie and am ********ting them when they don't know me. It's basically what a zen master does.. You sit alone and do nothing for hours - You can't fall asleep or drift into a trance. I'm always asleep or in a trance so maybe meditation would be good.

Ah nvm ignore me