I grew up without love or care, and in an abusive-in-all-ways home, just as a bit of background, since I think that's related to this.
I realized the other day that, without knowing it, I just think I'm a bad person like I think the earth is round, the sky is blue, and flowers are pretty. It's just part of how I view life.
I started trying to think - well, what is it that I've done that was so terrible? And I thought, well, I stole a penny from my mom when I was 9, to test and see whether she really would be able to tell if I took one of her pennies. And then was afraid to put it back and hid it a hundred different times and finally lost it. That makes me a thief. And then, in high school, I shoplifted a lipstick from a dept. store. And I have taken situations that I really could have tolerated if I tried hard enough, and said that I couldn't tolerate them, to avoid having to tolerate them. I filed for disability even though I know that if my life depended on it, I could force myself to work. I have told lies to keep from being embarrassed. And I tell people about my chronic pain to distract them from my existence bc it feels safer to have them look at me as a disabled person than to see me as a person. And.... I have wished death on my abusers (and the wish was granted in one case) I feel like a liar bc people all think I'm this super nice and sweet person who always helps anyone who needs it, etc... but the truth is, I don't always do the nice stuff for any reason other than I'm afraid ppl will be mad at me if I don't. I'm nice to people & act like I like them when I really just want to avoid them.

At any rate, I am certain that I'm a bad person but when I look at the sum of all of my 'depravity', it seems kind of thin. I can't reconcile the clear and solid conviction that I'm a bad person and have always been a bad person ---- with the reality of 'um, but what have I done that was really so awful?'

This has been bothering me a lot - and I can't figure out how to get around it. Or whether it's related to PTSD or MDD or something else.

Would love any suggestions!!!!! Thank you