Hi guys.

Just saw my pdoc.

The 10 mg of Zyprexa which was supposed to knock me out hasn't been doing that, or at least not as well as it should. First night took some 5 hours to get me to sleep and last night about 2.5-3 hours, and that's taking it with my nightly 1mg klonopin.

So my pdoc wanted to add a low dose of Seroquel so that I can get back on a good sleep schedule. I just couldn't say yes. I took it years ago and hated it. But of course back then I was taking 100's of mg and my pdoc said less than 50, just for sleep. I still said no. I'm supposed to email her on Monday to see how I'm doing and I'll see her sometime next week again.

Yesterday I was pretty flat. Not good. Not bad. It's not a nice place to be, but certainly better than before. But by around 5:30 I started to get antsy. Rocking back and forth helped, it's amazing how comforting that can be. Light bothered me, but far more the days before.

I asked my pdoc if I've been in a mixed episode and she said 'very much so.' Triggered mostly by lack of sleep (when I was taking care of my mom for 8 days and got very little sleep every night) and all the stress. As she knows, lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me. Though I also agree that all of that combined with the stress of many kinds helped.

The problem is that this kind of stress related to my mother's illnesses, taking care of her, her moving up here to my brother's where theyre building a cottage for her and the fact that I don't get along with my brother who has a terrible anger management problem and several cluster B attributes. All of this I have to learn to deal with so this doesn't happen again. though maybe it's inevitable that it will happen again.

When I next see my T, next week, I'll talk to her about managing these stressors and putting boundaries so this doesn't happen.

I told work yesterday I couldn't work today because I was ill. But that was because I was afraid my symptoms would lead me to mess up hugely like I did earlier in the week. I don't have those symptoms now though, but I feel so flat and tired, I feel like an idiot, so, for that reason as well, I shouldn't be working. I'm an interpreter, a medical interpreter, so I have to think extremely fast to do my work.

thanks for all the support I've gotten and I'll keep you guys up to date. Posting has really helped me.