I was incredibly depressed at 24.
I left an unhealthy relationship
With the clothes on my back.
I was going to kill myself.
I stopped my meds.
I ate very little for weeks
Going on months.
Making plans to....
I won't say what I planned.
I wound up in rehab.
The first night a nurse said:
Don't think you are
Getting out of here anytime soon.
It was a threat.
I had written a scathing letter
To a nurse prior to my stay.
I would say I responded
With a bit more than reasonable force.
I wasn't worried about
My five a day, fibre intake
As I was going to die anyway.
I had to get a suppository
After begging the staff
To get me something.
They were convinced I did
Not need anything and
It was "women's troubles."
I didn't blow up.
I calmly went back and forth
To the nurses station until
They issued me something.
The nurse said it was runny
As a tiny bit was leaking.
That was because it
Had nowhere to go and was blocked up.
It was really distressing.
The amount of times
I had to relive that experience afterwards in my brain and at leisure,
Was really disheartening.
I fell into drinking on being discharged
And it happened once more.
They bumped a tablet up
That had a side effect of constipation
And I was still
Depressed off my *****.
Thankfully my body recovered.
It never happened again.
For six months I sat,
Not wanting to be seen outwith
That god awful place.
Taking half a senna every
Two or three days and then none.
The hospital meals are small
And I could not function on Risperidone.
The meals are fine
And cooked fresh in the kitchens that day.
They have to be fresh.
It's hard to keep one's cool when
A man who has downloaded
Indecent images of minors
Tries to sit next to you
And you cannot say anything
Because there is a danger that the nurses
Think you are having a funny turn
And tell the doctors
Or record something in your notes
That may keep you
In hospital longer.