Dear Capac, I know what you're going through! I was clinically depressed some years back. It was excruciating. My heart was going through a meat grinder. And I was terrified of everything. Much more. So many things. Fortunately I had very good therapy, in various ways. It took time to get well. Many of us here have very difficult & sad histories. We get better. Slip sometimes. We learn as time goes on. And here, we are not alone. We help each other. I hope you will stay here, find forums you like, make some friends. I know it's hard to do anything when it's this bad.
Good luck to you!