Guilt over past mistakes and decisions is a very tough temptress. We tend to have a hard time letting go of those sometimes. They are trauma, and easy to scourge ourselves with when we feel our lowest. I am working with a trauma therapist on this specifically now.

One thing I'd advise, is to let those tears out. I used to hold them in, and I don't think it was healthy to do to myself. I think I was telling myself I was tougher than the tears, but they are actually a pretty good vent for me in the rare times that I actually get them now-a-days. Embrace the emotions in you, they are there for a reason. Don't suppress them.

I wish you so much health and happiness. Its a tough year for all. You are in a good place for support. I came here a few months ago and have learned a lot about myself, my disease and about great friendships I've made with people all over the world. Consider yourself among those friends.