Yesterday, I brought laundry to a "Wash & Fold" service. I did the dishes. I got a med at pharmacy and bought some groceries. I visited a friend to give her some fruit I had bought and to chat briefly. I talked a lot on the phone with my sister about my niece being quite sick.

Since waking up this morning at 8:30 a.m., I've had bad anxiety. It's not real specific. It is awful. I ate cereal.

I thank you all for reading my posts. I can imagine you've offered as much as you all could in terms of advice and encouragement. I'm sorry to still keep posting that I feel so distressed. I know I have to help myself. I'm on this couch way, way too much.

The anxiety in my head has me kind of shaking when I stand up. My arms jerk a bit. My hands tremble a bit when I go to do anything in the kitchen.

I feel I need more help than I have available. I'm not a danger to myself. I do not need to be admitted to a psych unit. However, I am not improving. I worry that I'm sliding deeper into a pit of mental distress that I'm never going to find my way up from.

I think about writing a letter to my PCP. (She is a physician's assistant. I have some degree of trust towards her.) There is a psychiatrist in that same clinic who has seen me several times over the past few years - just to prescribe Ritalin for me. Back in June I contacted him to tell him I was not coping well. He was very dismissive. So I don't have the nerve to try contacting him again. It's over 3 months, since my s.o. died. I am worse now than I was 3 months ago.

I blame a lot of it on myself because I don't put much effort into doing anything constructive. I know I should stop sitting around vegetating.

It's like I'm in a nightmare that I know I will never wake up from.

I don't tell my sisters how bad I feel. They would want to fly out. I do not want them traveling during this pandemic on my account. It would worry me sick. I feel like I need an understanding professional to talk with. There really isn't any. I had the video meeting by phone with a nurse practitioner that was just her reading questions off a monitor and typing my answers. It felt to me like talking to a zombie.

I know psych professionals don't like to reinforce "neediness," so they tend to act very aloof. I need someone to hear me that I'm in trouble that is getting worse. Even if they tell me it's up to me to make a better effort. I don't think I can improve, feeling as alone as I feel.

I've already wasted most of the day.

Visiting with my friend yesterday didn't help. She is struggling with her own issues. I don't think she is too well psychologically, herself. She really is not. She is not caring for herself enough, especially regards eating. It's no good for me to hope to draw support for me from someone who is so damaged herself. She means well. But I get more depressed listening to her. She is quite lonely. It would seem we both would do well to keep company with each other. Unfortunately, as I've posted before, it tends to result in me being drained by her. She likes the attention I give her . . . loves to tell me about her history and her family. Yesterday, she told me she had been awake all the previous night reading a novel. She then proceeded to try and recite to me the whole story line of that paperback. I was patient for a bit. Then I had to stop her. She relishes an attentive audience. I don't think anyone enjoys hearing another give a long, detailed summary of a novel or of a film. Kids tend to do that, but grow out of it.

I should work on straightening up my apartment. I should do it, even in just short bursts of activity.