I know this thread is old. When I started it, I didn't dream I would still be this much of a mental mess more than 3 months later.

Everyone says it takes time for grief to lessen. I do understand that. My problem is not just grief over losing my s.o. That loss triggered a whole other set of problems. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. I've been emotionally troubled my whole life. That is a chronic problem for me. It always will be. The best I can hope for is to manage my emotional turmoil, so that I can function reasonably okay. The loss of this important relationship has aroused mental health problems in me that were there long before the passing away of my s.o. Those problems are big and deep. I think I need someone - probably a professional - to recognize that grief is just the visible tip of the iceberg. Right now, that is what is most obvious. There is an underlying problem of aloneness that is making it vastly more difficult for me to cope right now.

I loved my s.o. Of course it's hard to lose someone you love. However, that one relationship was pretty much my whole world. He wasn't one of the people in my life. He was the only person in my life. I have no children. My sisters are thousands of miles away. I went 6 years without seeing them. I am retired. I don't have a lot of connection to other human beings. I never have had. That tendency to be too much alone has bedeviled me all my life. Now I'm alone like I was before I met this man who became my companion for years.

Back then, before meeting my s.o., I was nearly suicidal over the problem of aloneness. That's what I mean by a deep problem that is independent of grief over the death of one person. Sure, I understand that grief lessens with time. But I have this other problem that has haunted me my whole life. "IT" is not likely to lessen over time. This other, separate problem is now suddenly huge and likely to get huger. The two problems added together are just too much. I am overwhelmed. I need to tell someone that I am not able to cope.

I've been given a drawer full of psychotropic meds. Aloneness cannot be medicated away. Being in the hospital helped me because I interacted as much as I possibly could with everyone around me. That included staff and other patients. Now, at home, I am alone. I go online to interact, but that does not really work too well. It's no substitute for being with people IRL.

The easy answer is that I should find people IRL to interact with. For some reason, or reasons, that has always been kind of a losing struggle for me.

Losing at that struggle right now is like not having enough oxygen to breathe. It's easy to say I need to try harder. I say that to myself. Sometimes failure is not the result of inadequate effort. I need help from someone who could understand that.