I've just gotten worse and worse all day. I try to think of who could I visit or who could I talk to? This has hotten so bad. I can't even breathe through my nose from crying so much. I come here because I have nowhere else to go. I tried a crisis phone line. At the other end I got a volunteer, rather than a prof. counselor. It might have made no difference, if I did get a counselor.

This is the first time I've been so awful since my last discharge from that hospital. I should get up and do something constructive. But I don't. I sit and just keep reading and thinking.

When I was a kid, my father told me I would end up making myself crazy from too much time alone reading. He was so angry . . . so angry that I was not out in the kitchen or living room. He liked me being where he could see me and talk to me. But, for someone who seemed to miss my presence, he was so angry.

Now, after all these years . . . he seems to have been right. I stay alone, incessantly reading online . . . and going crazy. Maybe he really was worried for my welfare. That's not why I had believed.