Yes, redmamma, welcome to PsychCentral and by all means, take care of yourself first.

People who refuse help are pretty much impossible to help and I think once they get to be our parents' age and we're grown, that makes it even more difficult because of the weight of habit/way they've lived their lives all this time.

It is good you recognize it's not "you" so much; that can help you. I was telling a friend about a boss I had who was bipolar but before the boss told me, I was doing a lot of wondering whether some of her behavior might be my "fault", left over from how I related to my stepmother. But after I realized there was more to the equation than just personalities, I was better able to understand the larger picture and not have such an enmeshed feeling and sense of responsibility.