WFC, I'm so sorry. That's pretty messed up. We had some pretty messed up dynamics too. My mother was such an example of a perpetrator of PAS (parental alienation syndrome) that she never bothered to tell me my paternal grandma died. She's horribleness wrapped up in sheep's clothing. We have spoken once, briefly, in the last 20 years or so. I just don't need her **** in my life. Secretive family dynamics suck. I hope you can figure out what works best for you.

I hope things go as well as possible for your grandpa.