Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags
Level of anxiety so high it's edging into panic. Something happened yesterday that set off the ptsd I initially went into therapy for. It's a serious problem and it's got a hold of me.
I was working with CBT skills and not getting very far. A tiny bit, which I guess is better than nothing, but disappointingly little. I took an extra K-pin, but it probably won't do much, if anything. I'd take several, but all I'll do is feel depressed from the rebound.
I'm damned near going crazy. I'm at 300mg Lamictal, but have been unsteady lately. Maybe I need to raise it again - at the risk of feeling flat. But....? Oh, yeah, right...I have a mental illness and post traumatic stress for which I've been awarded disability. There's that. There's the craziness.
I really believe that the people around here (including me) are being exposed to toxins from breathing smoke for weeks. Another effing 110 degree day with yellow, smoky air and ash falling. I heard it's 1 degree in Montana? WTSF.
It's times like this when I think I probably don't have much life left, and that really makes me sad. And angry. Plus, I'm feeling terrorized because the days are getting shorter already. Crazy, because I like the night - but my brain refuses to cooperate.
I wish I was tired so I could just sleep, but I'm not. For once. What a joke.
My attitude needs improvement. Working on it. Still. (What a strange and intriguing word: still. Meaning both quiet and motionless, meaning persisting.)
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Do what you need to do to stay healthy. An increase can always be lowered when you're feeling stable again for a while.
PTSD fires off so many auto responses in the body. It can be awful, but for me it helps me to remember it is just that. A file in my brain on replay and the unfortunate chemical and electric responses that go with it. It feels easier to swallow when I take the show quality away from it and look at it for what it is. It is like lifting the curtain in front of Oz.
Then I redirect. I imagine myself in a healthier and stronger place. I remind myself of times when I felt safe and what's really true for me.
I feared fall last year because I was scared I would relapse. It took a lot of the fun out of the season for me. I know the weather is a hot mess on all fronts at the moment, but I am hopeful there will be aspects of the season you can enjoy despite your previous patterns.
Hugs Beth. You're a bright and strong woman and you've got this.
