Sunday morning I took a bath. I had been thinking I hadn't cut for a couple of weeks, but there were fairly recent cuts on my leg. Then I remembered, oh yeah, Wednesday. But I couldn't remember why. Now it's Wednesday again, and I remember why. On Wednesdays I have the day off, and the kids are out of school early, and I try to get the house cleaned up. But by Wednesday they have thoroughly trashed the house (usually they do that on Saturday when I'm at work all day, if not on Thursday). Dirty dishes everywhere, toys and garbage, etc. Can't very well clean (like vacuum and all that stuff) without all the mess and clutter and junk picked up first. And I don't wait until Wednesday to tell them to pick up. They are supposed to be pickign up every day and every time they make a mess, but they just say they did, and don't really. It gets worse and worse through the week. So, I told them it was time to clean up this afternoon and they kept running off and ignoring me (outside a few times, other times hiding out in their rooms or just sitting around doing nothing, or running through the house being obnoxious and making a bigger mess). These kids are 7, 10, and 13. They are old enough to start being responsible for their own messes, particularly the older two. I help with the house cleaning, but I expect them to do the picking up. It doesn't help that hubby makes as much mess as the kids, and never picks up, but I can't confront him on it - can't deal with the resulting lecture on everything that I do wrong. The only room I can keep looking decent is my bathroom.

So, after trying to get some cooperation I can't deal with it and I cut. It's worse this week because our llama and a ewe and a lamb all died on the same day (it was last week, but today was the first day I was able to try to do anything about it), and I was trying to figure out a way to get them buried or something. Nobody wants to help. I don't blame them, but I can't do it all by myself. Llamas are pretty big. And I'm too sad and feeling bad about it to deal with it anyway. I did find some people who said they would help load them on my truck, but it was too late today, so I asked hubby to call them when he was home (Saturday), and he hates getting help from anyone, so wants me to get it done in the morning before work, without help, and is complaining that he always gets stuck with the jobs nobody wants.

So I have new slashes on my leg, but that wasn't enough, so there are also scratches, and some of them are on my neck, and they show, and I have to go to work tomorrow. So far the ones on my face aren't showing up. Stomach is bad enough it's hard to believe it was just fingernails that did it. Usually, lately, approximately one cut for each person that I'm upset with is enough. But I remember almost two years ago answering a survey about self injury, and one of the questions was about when do you know it's time to stop, and I remember my answer was when I am exhausted. Back then, I didn't SI often, and didn't usually use blades (mostly fingernails), and it took more effort and was more spontaneous. Now I do it a lot more often, and over smaller things, without getting so worked up, and I usually use a blade, but it's just a few cuts that don't bleed very much and that's it. And it's much more of an automatic response.

I don't know if it's better or worse whichever way. I don't know what I want by way of response to this, even. I just wanted to talk about it, and my T isn't dealing directly with SI, so I don't want to bug her. I'm supposed to be working on why there is such a difference between at work, where I can handle situations like these, and at home, where I can't. At work nobody is running off and refusing to help when asked to do something. They might not put their entire effort into it, in whicn case I have to fill out a consequence form and they have to write an essay. At home we're wasting an entire day accomplishing nothing and all getting frustrated and mad at each other.