Thank you, O.E. What you say is all true. I know you realize that I've had a heart-breaking loss and that I am in pain mourning my loss. I'm grateful that you put in effort trying to offer me some reassurance that the future may hold good things that I can't even imagine now. I don't know what else I expect anyone to tell me.

My state of mind is about more than my being in grief. Certainly, I am grieving. Grief is no small thing. I don't mean to understate the enormity of grief.

I have a whole other problem though. I'm in despair. Despair is not the same as sorrow. Despair is a spiritual problem. It is really evil. Despair makes it seem alright to not bother about anything. I see how I'm not taking care of anything. I'm just doing nothing so much of the time. I'm neglecting myself and the little responsibilities that we have to assume every day. Taking a break is one thing. Completely giving up is another. I see myself going more and more in the direction of just giving up. I have no faith that anything will get better, if I make an effort. I know that's wrong. I know that there is a price to pay for willful neglect. Yet, I get worse every week. I try to think of how I can get someone else to take care of things for me. Like hiring people to straighten up my apartment. Getting help is not wrong. But I have to make myself do some things.

I do a little bit. But it's not an honest effort. I say I'm too depressed to do much of anything. I am way overusing that excuse. Telling myself I better stop this is not doing any good. I feel like a lost soul who's beyond help.

When you spend too much time alone, your own mind can torture you. I talk to one of my sisters on the phone. I just exchange texts with my other sister. Both have offered to do anything they can for me. I don't want to be a parasite.

I don't think any doctor or any drug can do much for me. I'm glad I have something that does help me sleep - the Seroquel. I'm getting more than enough rest. When I'm awake I have no interest in my life. I just wish it were over. I'm not intending to harm myself physically. But I am harming myself mentally. I can't seem to stop. I want to tell someone how bad I've gotten and to have someone understand that I am destroying myself from the inside. I guess I want someone to stop me. I guess that's the last hope I have. But I think that's also a foolish hope.