Sorry if I'm a bit blunt, PrettyBoy...I really feel for you. I don't know your struggle, but I do know people who have struggled like that, and I know how desperately I've wanted things I thought I would NEVER get even close to, in the past. I think you could probably get pretty close to your goals...but maybe you'd need to really accept where you are now in relation to them? I know relationships are a struggle, and it's clearly something you want to work on, which is awesome, cause there's a lot of people that just are not interested in working things out. Do you think maybe if you focused on getting along with people...I don't mean that you should not be yourself in any way...but if you like someone just considering what you might both like to do together...so not necessarily getting much closer, but just getting along...maybe that could open up some more opportunities? Also, do you tell people when you're feeling a bit anxious, or if something's a bit triggering? I just used to get really tense and really socially anxious and that's something that's helped...just excusing myself. I do hope you find people that want you to be you and give you happiness.