I have been told by 2 different people in a week (this last week) how wrong it is to be me.

How wrong I am to speak my truth,

Since I was literally silenced and almost mute throughout my chidlhood, and hated by almost everyone for being so ''quiet''...... it is part of my healing to be able to speak.

If anyone does not like that, or does not like me, they are very welcome to stay away from me.

I ''count my blessings'' every day. I do not like being told to ''count my blessings'' when I express a part of something which has contributed to a severe anxiety disorder, a severe mood disorder (which almost required ''hospitalisation'' and ''complex'' PTSD. I was also ''diagnosed'' as having ''avoidant personality disorder''' ... whether or not that is correct I do not know. But I am not a ''coward'' for speaking out. I am not ''weak'' for speaking of my pain

At a ''family'' gathering a year or so ago someone I did not even know said to me ''enjoy your life'''...(how about telling someone with bipolar, CPTSD or severe depression to ''enjoy your life'' ''others have it much worse'') (who would ''choose'' to have any of those things. And I had never spoken to that person before!! And I tried to be cheerful, friendly and polite. As I always do (occasionally I speak of my pain to ''close'' people.... I had heard that is supposed to be healthy rather than bottling it all up and getting sicker......) And I did not think I had ''failed'''....And i had taken ''meds'' in the hope I did not look ''too anxious''.....) and I will not tell you what else that person said. I do my absolute best to ''make the most of life'' and the (few) good relationships I have!

I have not been ''blessed'' with children. I wanted children but instead the doctor bluntly told me I had a ''brain tumour''..

Ah but it could have been worse. I could have died.

Frankly, I sometimes wonder what my purpose in this life is.

Someone at work told me I was a ''coward'' because I had severe anxiety attacks involving having tp rush to the loo with almost no warning and shaking hands making it impossible to do my job ''adequately''. I also made mistakes at work because of my severe anxiety and depression (and possibly adhd) The doctor I saw simply dismissed me as ''you were not coping with your problems'' and said his opinion was ''justified''. I ''should'' be ''grateful'' he did not commit me to some involuntary inpatient facility for trying to find some ''help''

I ''should'' be grateful my half sibling has completely abandoned me? And I never spoke a mean word to him, ever. I loved him. He told me ''you are not good at anything'

maybe he was right. maybe I am such a ''failure'' I deserve to



Please do not suggest I ''send him a christmas card'' as someone once suggested to me (with no empathy)... I have done this several times with NO response. He (my half ''brother'')insulted my lovely Papa bear as well as me with his complete cruelty and indifference,

Thank you for listening to my ''whine''.... being preached at never helps me ... in fact, frankly, it makes me suicidal.

I am also having a fang pulled next week Please do NOT make any reference to the ''situation'' in the world if anyone replies to this, it is a trigger to me. I try to respect other peoples triggers and since this is my thread, I deeply appreciate the same respect from others



If I sound ''bitter'' in this post so be it. I was also thrown out onto the streets by negligent parental units when still a cub and a doctor abused me by saying I was a ''bag lady''.. and projected HIS inadequacy and incompetence onto me I know what it is to have no food to eat.