I tend to agree with this. It's good to forgive an offender (if possible) but forgiving self is more important. Especially as you loved him and he did not love you. (I know the feeling, different situation but similar feeling). He wasn't good enough for you. Love means wanting the best for someone, not wanting to watch them suffer needlessly. (I did not learn what love felt like or really was for a very long time having never experienced or received love from ''family'' as a cub) (I was engaged to a very abusive man. Fortunately we split up eventually.... my parents were aware of the abuse but did not care. They wanted me as far away from them as possible since they felt I was a ''burden''... I was not them. I was not the mirror of their Malignant Narcissism. If you have been abused in childhood there may be an (unconscious) attraction to other abusers. Possibly a ''trauma bond''...I don't know, I'm just speculating.

ETA it is my belief that abusers want others to think there is something ''fundamentally wrong with them''... since the abuser cannot own their own darkness or mistakes.

Perhaps one way forward if you want to forgive an abuser is understanding... not ''obsessing'' but learning and observing patterns etc. Abusers are usually deeply ''insecure'' but also are in pain themselves (usually)