I keep thinking about what the person said on the video chat. It's been like a year now. I think about it every day. Intrusive thoughts keep popping up. I usually have good self esteem but I think of myself now as worthless, lost, not a real person. Like a psychopath. Every time I try to think good of myself, no one understands and must inflict pain on me, judges me or looks down on me.

I'm not a real person. I'm an entity. I have no worth. I don't want to have worth anyways. I wish I was dead. Maybe I already am dead and I'm just floating through space, hallucinating everything possible. I'm a God and can do what ever I please - Except for pain and suffering which makes me conform.

People are a lot worse off than I am. People do great things with their minds - But what's the point for me? I need to take control but I have nothing to rely on - No solid foundation of convictions. The lid opened on my head and my brain fell out - Because of psychedelics.

The only thing that I fear is dp/dr. I'm way too aware. I wasn't like this before age 20 and I wish I was. I don't know what the point of my past was but I suppose I have to make something of it - Because I can do anything. Well, not really because I can't even do basic things cuz I'm too paralyzed and procrastinate. I don't do much and fatigue easily. I might as well be completely mentally disabled.

I don't know how to meditate. I have a million things on my mind that I can do but I'm frozen. I just need a break. I've managed not to do drugs for a while now and it's not any better.