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This:
"I can't sleep and I can't think clearly. Having a lot of derealization. Keep losing my train of thought. Having trouble spelling words though I used to be able to write entire essays without needing a spell checker. I'm having trouble thinking of the right words when I'm talking. I'm also very irritable and anxious. I can't muster the energy to behave normally around people anymore.
I'm losing my memory, both short term and long term. I can't remember what I'm doing or what I was about to do for longer than about 5 seconds, and I can't remember things I just did. I usually have great memory, but now I'm forgetting stuff like my passwords or the middle names of my kids, stuff that I would never forget normally. I've resorted to writing my passwords down on a notepad so I don't have to reset them all the time. I forget to take my meds, I forget appointments, stuff that never happens to me otherwise.
I zone out a lot and sometimes I hardly know where I am. I don't think I should be driving anymore. I feel like I'm kind of drifting in and out of consciousness. When people talk to me or ask me a question I sometimes don't register it for a few seconds. Sometimes I'm just "gone" for a while."
I could have written the same sentences about myself. I got goosebumps when I read your post. Now, it could be depression and of course, I cannot possibly tell you "for sure" what is going on for you. You might be in a mixed state of depression and dysphoric mania (for the most part, that's what your description sounds like, to me). I can, however, tell you that when I've described the same to my pdoc she says it's mixed-state with some psychosis. Although, the psychosis aspect usually involves a degree of paranoia.
Now, whatever is going on, whatever name it has, the bottom line is that FluffyD - I am deeply concerned about you. You've been going down for a long time, and you just keep going lower and now you are having more severe symptoms.
Furthermore, it sounds to me that you don't have a reliable support system at home. I'm sure that your wife has her side of the story and I fully understand that. But the fact is that you don't feel supported.
I don't know what to advise you to do except to keep posting here and/or the obvious - go IP. I am no advocate of that, but you are safe there, able to drop the stress of having to "be and do". Also, treatment is expedited when you're IP. I'm thinking that maybe a hospital stay would help to get you in more quickly for ECT. Also, there might be a medication that could help you until you do have ECT. What do you think?
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