My ex-T was sometimes ... not exactly mean, but she could get nasty in her reserved, passive-aggressive way (not on purpose, I'm fairly sure). Some of it was little things that I figured were understandable because I wasn't exactly making her job easy, or we could settle the issue afterwards. But when she got defensive and it all became about who was 'right' or whether something was her 'fault' or not? It got so out of hand in the end that I couldn't take it any longer.
My new T hasn't been mean so far. We had one session when she was not her usual self and that was very unsettling, but it turned out there were medical reasons for that.
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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo
I also don't think her comment sounds like a mean thing for her to say, or at least I wouldn't have heard it as such.
It depends how we are defining "mean". My therapist is not deliberately unkind in a calculated way. However, she definitely has an unpleasant side to her nature and she has allows this into the room on occasion. She has raised her voice, sworn, told me that she finds it difficult to work with me, etc. This happens when she instinctively moves to care about herself and moves away from caring about me. She owns it and mostly apologises for it. It is hurtful and confusing for me.
Whilst this aspect of her is hard for me to be in relationship with, I also appreciate the real life nature of the interactions. It's a very powerful part of our relationship for me to have experienced the worst of her (and her of me) and for us to still have loving feelings. From the comments in this thread, it seems it is a therapy which wouldn't suit everyone, but it feels human to me. There's something deeply real about how we relate to each other. I know it is a common approach for therapists to take, but hearing about therapists who are only ever kind and caring seems unrealistic to me. How do the gritty parts of the relationship get addressed if they are never shown? I guess they can be shown in un-mean ways. I don't know. Sometimes I think I tolerate too much £hit from her because cruelty and harshness are familiar to me.
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This sounds very similar to my ex-T, minus the outright unpleasantness and she hardly ever apologized. And in particular the wondering whether I was tolerating too much, for too long - I struggle to tell apart being open-minded, tolerant of the other's quirks, taking responsibility for my part in bringing about an unpleasant situation and all that grown-up stuff, from being a kid desperately trying avoid conflict and/or keep her caregiver or otherwise important person in a favourable light.
Umm, that's not meant to imply that your situation is the same as mine was - I know that for me the right thing was to terminate, because therapy was literally doing more harm than good for the last few months. But I also suspect that as stupid as I feel for not terminating sooner, I'd feel just as stupid/otherwise horrible for other reasons had I done that. Also, I think the defensiveness and avoidance that did more damage than the actual 'meanness'.