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Originally Posted by here today
I’m very glad and to read this post, and find it interesting and am glad you wrote it, but just to make clear – you owe me nothing. So if in any sense you were meaning this as an apology, please don’t worry about that – if you can. If you are sorry yourself that your anxiety levels didn’t permit you to deal with a response for awhile – I’m very glad if/that they are better!  |
Thanks! It's not so much that I think I owe you (though part of me might believe that), but - I'd
like to ... just ... be able to have a conversation, without struggling for words, going down all sorts of rabbit holes and end up losing track of what I was going to write in the first place. And I guess I feel insufficient for not managing that.
Although now I kind of gave up and trying the opposite approach - spend as little time and energy on this outside therapy sessions as possible. This whole ex-T debacle derailed my life long enough as it is. It still bugs me a lot, but it seems that talking about it in sessions helps some, so maybe eventually I'll get to a point when it stops being so overwhelming? Meanwhile, I have several things I've fallen behind with, so I'm focusing on those.
What I notice when it comes to emailing (or rather, failing to) T is that after a session, I feel reassured/relieved. Yay, T didn't reject me for the stuff I said, so maybe it really is OK to talk about these things. I go over what was said or not said, or felt confusing or off somehow, and I'm like 'ok, I'll write these down in an email and have it out of my mind for the rest of the week'. But then it doesn't happen - I very soon start having second thoughts, feeling stupid, feeling like my problems are stupid, feeling like ex-T made me feel, like I don't really have any problems at all and am just somehow too stupid? stubborn? to see that, and I'm just being a pest, etc. This in addition to the other rabbit holes. And if I keep trying to email her the whole week, then it'll feel like this the whole week. So I stopped trying. I hope that if she's non-rejecting me long enough, I'll be able to keep that frame of mind for longer after sessions?
Migth be a good idea to mention this to her.
One interesting thing she brought up - she was wondering if I have other goals beyond sorting out the xT issue, because, if that's what keeps me going then it might be very difficult indeed to give it up. First I didn't think this applied to me, then I noticed that I'm kind of glad that this huge painful attachment thing is directed
outside my current therapy, and I fear that instead of getting rid of it altogether, I might just transfer it
inside.
But also: goals I have, sort of BUT ... and I couldn't and still can't express it well ... but it all somehow hangs on her. Like the One Ring, lol. Hangs not so much on her, but on whatever I was hoping to get from her. Will keep going back to this until it starts making sense.
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Sounds like good news!
Yes, I experienced huge falls, down cold abysses, and ice shards or rocks can cut one to pieces – or maybe that’s what already happened to me when I was little? My last T did say when I first started seeing her that I was “wounded and fragmented”. Still, the reenactment – well, . . .So, to me, being careful sounds very much like taking good care of yourself.
So far, so good but you make a very, very good point. I hadn’t consciously thought about that, but it definitely rings a bell and a good warning. Thanks.
Please let us know how it goes, if you feel like it. I hope things go well for you, too.
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I seem to recall from another thread that you're trying a 2nd T? How is that working out?