My life is out of control and it isn't just my illness, I want all you diagnosed with BP to know this. Life affects everything. I am married to a narciccist and no matter what I do will never be good enough for him. He told me I could have "sunday" as a vacation day and he would handle everything. We have a 3-1/2 month old daughter and other children who are out on visitation. He did take care of the baby, that is true, but he also told me he would do the normal things that I do during a Sunday. He did absolutely nothing other then handle the baby, watch TV and play video games. I still had to do the laundry, clean up the kitchen, go food shopping (though this was my choice, he impulse buys, he did assist me with putting the food away). That's it. I am a stay a home mom, maid, treasurer, secretary etc. My job goes on 24-7, I am disabled so I do bring in an income and get child support. Everything was going so great for about 2-1/2 years, then it spiralled down. He blames my BP. I did have a hard pregnancy, but he knew it would be tough but during the pregnancy, he said if I knew this he never would have had a baby with me. I am absolutely totally in love with my child, but I am in love with him too. I try so hard to work on my marriage, he tries once in a while. I try catering to his needs but it goes all unnoticed. Right now, I have lost all hope here. My head says run, my heart says stay. I have been rapid cycling. My racing thoughts are so bad I walk in circles some times. The man who used to support me and go to the doctor with me, no longer exists. I feel lonely and hopeless. Everything has to run on his schedule. I made him a gourment dinner last night, I worked so hard on it. I asked him to dance with me, he always USED to. But he had to put on sports playoffs, he always has to bring up my past. I realize I am babbling, but now his ex-wife is in a financial hardship, she has no electricy, no money. I keep helping her. I do take care of my two stepchildren, who primarily live with us. I do the doctors, school, homework, you name it, The biological parents take me for granted. Now I am giving her money that I don't even have because I feel sorry for her. I asked him for advice and he said he has too many of his own problems. What problems could he have? He has a wife (me) who does everything for him. He asks for help, I jump. I ask and he says I am a "b" and I ruin everything. I have five children in this house and am taking care of my husband, his ex-wife, and her other daughter who is 22 but may possibly be retarded in some way. When is enough enough? When do I say no? If I do, I am wrong. I want to curl up and die. I am trying to focus on my baby....I think she is the only one who keeps me on this earth right now. I cry in private all the time just want an end. But then the bad thoughts come, as I call it the "permanent end". I don't know what to do anymore with anything or anyone. I am going down like a ball of flames. I guess I am looking for a fix it all solution and there is none for the issues in my life. I appreciate anyone who reads and welcome any comments, thank you.