I see this forum as a sort of journal, due to writing one's private issues. The only difference is someone writes back. (Sometimes. Lol. The forums seem a little scarce to me lately).

Are you thinking you're wanting to journal? Have you done it before?

I've been journaling since elementary school. I think that's part of why I sometimes find myself wallowing / ruminating while journaling. As a kid I journaled before I had healthy coping mechanisms. Though truthfully, I like journaling because its a way I can connect. With myself. if you haven't journaled before, I bet there's journaling prompts you could look up.

Re BPD: look into DBT. Its helped me (and many others) tremendously. It was originally designed for ppl with BPD, though it helps people with many different diagnoses too. I know that you've had painful experiences with therapists where you are. I don't blame you for not trying with them again. There's online options you could maybe consider. Just a thought and no pressure from me. I just personally think DBT is the greatest. There's lots if free online resources on Youtube, websites, etc. There's also online programs / therapy / groups, etc, that aren't free but may be worth it. DBT peer connections on YouTube is good.

I'm glad you have your husband. He sounds like a good egg