I'm currently seeing 2 T's, at least briefly. With the more experienced one, I discussed some stuff from the ex-T, and the consultant who referred me to her and whom I saw for 6 months when the ex-T was on maternity leave. Also mentioned a trauma that surfaced when I was seeing the consultant and never fully explored with either -- it relates to some fear that I now wonder if it transferred all these years to any females who are in a position to dominate me (including T's) -- like the woman in the operating room who held me down to put an anesthesia mask over my face when I was 3! I'm feeling like it may pull some things together.

How does that relate to shame -- maybe I learned to shame my reactive PTSD-y fear and rage responses? ANY fear and rage responses would have been disapproved of, but mine may not have been just "in the moment" ones and so things may have gotten compounded on top of compounding, etc., I'm wondering. But I just had the session last Thursday.

What I have done with both these T's is say that what I want is feedback about how I come across. NOT standard therapy. So if I'm objectionable in any way, like I still feel like I was or must have been for the ex-T, then that's what I'm there to find out. The Betterhelp T had some difficulty with that at first. The more experienced T seemed to get it, though she has fallen back into T-mode a couple of times, once of which I mentioned to her and she agreed. Now, though, it seems like that probably has helped because neither of them are in the position of "expert".