Quote:
Originally Posted by Merope
Thank you. You’re right, it is the uncertainty. I feel like it’s personal even though it’s not. I know for a fact that my T isn’t personally worried about covid as he’s fit. He’s said this numerous times. He keeps saying “X weeks away” in an encouraging way, but then X weeks pass and not another mention. I think he definitely will go back to f2f—sometimes when he speaks of future sessions he speaks as if they’ll be f2f. But at the same time, it’s almost like something is holding him up.
I guess he’s probably comfortable as well, it’s not like he yearns to be in my presence like i yearn to be in his. Plus I think most of his other clients might be in therapy short term and care less about the connection. I worry sometimes that I’m his neediest, most annoying client.
I’m not moaning about his decisions-I realise there’s probably a lot of work in reopening ones practice for face to face sessions...I just wish he could be a bit more reassuring that it will happen at some point? At the same time I don’t know if I can ask for that. I feel like I’m being unreasonable about this, I just can’t switch the feelings off.
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This all seems soooo important to talk about. Have you talked about how you feel about teletherapy? It seems like maybe you have discussed it enough to be tired of talking about it, but then you say that you hinted and he didn't get the hint. Have you talked about this directly?
I get that your most reasonable adult self realizes that this is an unfortunate situation all around and that telehealth is probably the safest choice right now. But clearly you have all sorts of other complicated feelings -- feeling left out, feeling frustrated, feeling unsure about his motivations, wondering if you matter -- and those are incredibly important feelings to explore.
I have found that the very best way to intensify negative feelings is to let them fester, to tell myself that they are bad and that I am wrong for having them, and to try to wish them away. Feelings can often only go away when we examine them, validate them, and see if we can do anything about the information they are giving us. Otherwise they just keep nagging us for attention.
I would be confused and annoyed by his waffling. What would happen if you asked him about his X weeks statement when X + 1 weeks have passed? Would you feel better if he made a more concrete statement and stuck with it, even if it wasn't something you wanted to hear? (e.g., he won't re-open until most people are vaccinated)
It does seems onerous to re-open for in-person sessions. My T has made the necessary changes to her practice, and it sounds like a total re-imagining of every facet of the space. She wrote a new informed consent that has like 15 things I have to do and like 15 things they have done to make in-person therapy as safe as possible. She said she even switched to the pop-up style of tissue so people won't have to touch the box (?!).
So maybe it's that the re-opening process seems overwhelming, maybe he doesn't have the spoons to do anything beyond what he's doing right now, maybe he likes telehealth, maybe he is worried about infecting somebody or enabling viral spread in general. He may not tell you the specifics, but at the very least, I think getting some clarity around his plans would help you feel more settled.