My Support Forums - View Single Post - Hidden Memories

Moose72 · 11:59 AM

This is the thread where I am going to talk about "it". Yes that thing that nobody likes to talk about: Physical and mental abuse by our alcoholic parents. I have memories in bits and pieces and it worries me that they are just the tip of the iceberg - that I can't remember most of the abuse that happened.

Possible trigger:

I remember my dad going to strike me and me cowering sitting on the floor and my mom walking up and saying my dad's name really bewildered and angry like. I also remember my dad throwing my sister into a door and her lip bled a lot because she hit her mouth and she had braces. (Old, 1985-type braces too!) This stands out the most to me, though: We had a basset hound that was my age (in chronological years). One day, my dad was drunk and kicked the dog really hard in her side. The dog would not move after that. She was stunned into being catatonic. My mom took her to the vet and he said it was trauma - that she was traumatized by my dad kicking her.

To this day, these things still flash back and I can hardly believe that they happened, and I know that if there are only these few memories that there had to have been more- hidden memories. I always thought my childhood was idyllic until I was about 27. Then I tried to see someone that specialized in ACOA matters, but we didn't get very far. And I was early pregnant with my 2nd child.

Bottom line is, I have never had anyone try to get me to remember these things more concretely. I'm sure they're buried for a good reason. But I often wonder just how bad my childhood and teenage years actually were. I have such good memories in there too- we went on vacations to Disney World twice, and to see my grandparents in Canada at least 3 times in the house they built, but more if you count their apartment and big house before that- and that the problem- they are hidden too. The good memories are hidden with the bad. Day-to-day, the drunkenness , the being abandoned,- but hey we could cook our own dinner, right? And my dad said he'd cook us macaroni because we liked it! I know we did, but not THAT much. Other good memories include going to England for 3 weeks with those same grandparents and they paid for most everything. My dad seemed totally okay during those times! I wonder how far back his drinking really went! I have no idea and it would crush my childhood memories (early and middle childhood) to think that my dad was drinking back then, too- drinking through the times I saw as good (like the two Disney World trips, for example).. But lurking in the background was my dad's abuse as a child which fueled his drinking, I'm sure. And he's still an alcoholic and still troubled and still dealing with his childhood trauma from his family. I hope to god that I did not pass anything on to MY kids. They are all grown now.

How do I reconcile the good memories with the bad? Which person is my dad- the good guy who was such a loving father when I was young- or the bad guy who abused us and who still drinks and sometimes STOPS drinking cold turkey even now at age 73 and almost DIES from it?

Possible trigger:

Who goes through withdrawal and the DTs and nearly dies, laid out on the floor of his brother's apartment in a pool of vomit.?

I never know which father I will get when I call him- the chipper happy dad who will rehash old memories with me (the good ones of course) or the drunk dad whose speech is unintelligible. And I may never see him again because he lives in another state and can't travel anymore because of his health. I can't really afford to go see him, either. And now with covid, its even MORE difficult. For the longest time I preferred to just relive all the good memories and forget the bad, but the bad has a place. Something to work through instead of brush under the rug.