I would like some advice on what to do with some overwhelming emotions regarding the loss of my first therapist. For 6 months I had therapy with my first therapist, a clinical psychologist. After 6 months of therapy my life exploded and the double dosage of zoloft made me almost end my life. For some unknown reason she devastated me by terminated me, "forever." I thought the world of her. She helped me so much, more than anyone! I've never felt cared for more than anyone than by her, not ever close. I thought for sure she was going to be my therapist for life. My 2nd therapist, a social worker, who had no clue how to do therapy for BPD clients, said I have PTSD because of my 1st therapist. It's been awhile since being terminated, and I'm still haunted throughout each day about my suicide attempt & losing my psychologist. So, I finally ended therapy with the social worker and got another clinical psychologist. That made me soooo nervous. The dreadful thought of opening up completely to someone else made me extremely nervous. And then immediately after that I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sadness because it just doesn't feel right for someone to replace my 1st clinical psychologist. It kills me to think of doing therapy with someone who's not my first psychologist! It surprised me because I have to hold back from just breaking down in tears. I cared about her so much!

Anyhow, I want so much to email my first psychologist now. Way back then after she terminated me I got out of the psych ward, so I immediately email her. She didn't reply. I sent another. No reply. I must have sent about 6 emails to her. It killed me that she ignored me. She didn't give me closure. I have absolutely no idea what she thinks about me or what the real reason why she terminated me. Is she pissed at me for wanting to commit suicide? Does she hate me for putting her through that. I'm still so confused! About 2 to 3 months ago I finally gave up, and let go of her and our therapy for life, so I sent her a "Bye, forever" email, thanking her for each thing she helped me with, which is a lot. In that email I said I would never contact her again unless she wanted me to. But ...now I want more than anything to email her again, telling her how much I need the care she gave me, that I'm hurting, and begging her to be my therapist again. Should I email her? If not then how can I deal with these emotions?