Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111
Yes, this is exactly the problem I keep running in to. Like you said, this particular instance by itself sounds like I'm being whiney, but it is a recurring problem and it isn't being addressed at all. If you want to go out with the girls and wear something cute, even a little sexy to feel good and you were classy about it, great. But her attitude and past actions have shown that this is not her intent. She was all excited running back and forth from the bathroom to the bedroom trying on outfits and doing makeup and didn't even see me and then runs ot the door and didn't even ask me how she looks or tell me she's going to miss me or any details about the night, just dinner with the girls and bye bye. Then she doesn't come back 'till 12:30. I know I shouldnt have, but I looked on her phone the next day and found out she went to a bar. It wasn't a restaraunt. Which again, in my logical brain, I'm guessing because of corona restrictions they probably closed the dance floor, but still. I have had this happen so many times, that it continues to inflame my anxieties. She could have said, "they probably have no dancing, but either way we are just going to sit at a table and have a couple drinks, I might be late but I'll keep in touch. I know it gives you anxiety so I'll touch base with you later." Nothing. None of that. Just gotta go, bye!
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What I bolded here in your post would be the thoughtful and considerate thing to do within a marriage.
For example, my husband knows I get anxious when I don't hear back from him for many hours via text. So he'll check in when he can and will send brief messages to me to let me know he's seen my messages. That's the thoughtful, considerate thing to do.
I can understand why your anxieties were raised over this night out with her girlfriends. And because you felt the need to check her phone says that it raised your own mistrust. She is not doing anything to help ease your feelings of mistrust based on your past relationship issues. She is in fact almost feeding those feelings by acting the way she does.
What worries me is that your feelings don't get validated, you have no means to voice to her your feelings without her flipping the situation around on you, and you receive no sympathy from her for any of your anxieties that get triggered by her actions. And she takes little to no responsibility for her own actions.
So where does that leave you in this relationship? Basically powerless, voiceless and invalidated constantly.
Sadly, this is not an equal relationship, and she doesn't seem to care much about how YOU feel, which says a LOT.
Love should involve equal amounts of give and take. Love involves consideration of the other person's feelings and respect for the other person's feelings.
Someone earlier asked what you are getting out of this relationship, so I will add, what are you getting out of this relationship that is positive and which makes you feel loved, satisfied and happy? Is there anything?