I was doing really well before this year. I was more than halfway through my second degree, attending university with a 4.0 GPA and a perfect attendance record in every class. I still felt the depression sometimes, in the background, but I was always able to overcome it.

Then 2020 happened. In January my dad had a stroke which sapped him of much of his mental capacity. The most likely cause of the stroke was revealed in a surprise diagnosis of stage 4 bladder cancer. Between the after-effects of the stroke and the cancer treatments, he's basically an invalid now, and it hurts to see him so weak and helpless. Not to mention zealous; he started getting really serious about his religion again, for the first time in about a decade. He keeps insisting that he needs to go to church, even though everyone tells him that he can't because of COVID-19 and his cancer treatments. He's suddenly obsessed with his scriptures again, and with those church talks on his tablet, to the point that he basically ignores everything else, even eating and drinking. Suddenly I had to become the adult around the house, as my mom basically fell apart emotionally. Due to the COVID-19 outbreak we've all been cooped up together way too long, and I'm always the one who has to be the adult and stop my parents from constantly bickering and sniping at one another. I'm the only voice of reason in this madhouse -- even though I still feel like a kid who never really grew up inside...

The worst part is the depression, though. For the first few months after dad's diagnosis I think I did reasonably well; I always comforted my mom when she had her breakdowns, and I continued doing well in school. I wanted so badly to be strong for my parents, like my uncle had done for my mom and her siblings when her other brother passed away from cancer a few years ago. I could still sleep back then, somehow. But at some point I realized that I'm just not that strong. Nobody was there to comfort me during my breakdowns. So the depression came crashing back down, harder than it has in years, and now I feel basically buried in it. I haven't slept well for months now, constantly plagued by anxiety dreams and insomnia. I have this sinking feeling that I'm just not good enough, for anything -- not for my parents, not for my classes or the degree I'm chasing, not for my extended family, not for my friends. I just want to give up.

Sure, I'm afraid that my dad might die. But as bad as it sounds, I'm even more afraid of what might happen afterward, if I suddenly have to become the sole comforter and confidant for my neurotic mom. Or if she simply isn't strong enough to be a widow. I'm absolutely terrified of the prospect of a funeral, especially since it will mean having to associate with people from my parents' religion again. All those fake smiles and hollow platitudes, the love-bombing and self-righteous pity... Plus the real possibility that my parents might just decide to give everything they have to their precious church and leave me destitute. I keep having nightmares where my dad begs me to go back to church while on his deathbed, and I absolutely cannot agree to it, but I feel so terrible for denying his last wish that I just can't say anything at all...

I think I'm going to fail my classes this semester. Part of me desperately just wants to drop out, because I have more than enough on my plate just taking care of my parents every day. I just want to give up on everything and everyone and hide from it all. I just don't want to be.