Today was the first time I've seen him face to face in six months. I was just bursting with excitement, especially as I got closer to his neighbourhood. I am meeting him in a different space (a sun room) because it is bigger than his usual therapy room. He met me outside with us both wearing masks, then he took his off when we got to the room and i left mine on (as per the guidance over here).
I just sat in silence and looked at him. For a long time. I said maybe it is enough just to come and look in your eyes today. He said that was okay.
I said I wasn't sure how I was feeling. He asked if I felt safe. I said I think so. I said i felt a bit lost. He said that he had brought his bowl of stones (i had said I wanted one because I felt sad I didn't get a goodbye session 6 months ago, because it had all been so sudden and I hadn't been able to take a transitional object.) He asked how I could choose one, if he should spread them on the table for me. I said I wanted him to choose. He asked me why I wanted one, he said it would help him choose. I said i didn't have an answer (I was in a young place and couldn't have articulated the above) he said thats okay. He sat with the bowl on his lap taking great care and smiling as he picked them up. He said "this one! Oh wait hang on..." and picked up two or three similar stones. He said "It's definitely going to be pink quartz" then he selected one and put it on the other end of the sofa to me then went and sat back down. I picked it up and looked at it. He said "I chose that piece because there is a lot going on inside it. I said "like me". He said "yes, there is a lot of love going on inside it, pink quartz is the stone of love". I liked that a lot.

I looked at him a lot. He asked what was happening, I couldn't really answer. Eventually I said I don't know. He said that i had been very focused on him but I was in a new environment, so maybe I needed to pay some attention to the room. I said i am worried that if I take my eyes off him he will be gone. T said he isn't going anywhere. I felt lost and disconnected, then he picked up a familiar old fiddle toy from the table and tucked one leg underneath himself in his armchair. I said "it IS you!" I hadn't realised that up to that point some parts of me hadn't believed it was. He said "yes, it's me" and I felt a shot of electricity in my stomach. I started feeling more okay. We started talking about the young part. I said that she often wants to say things, but i feel weird talking about her in the third person, and i worry about saying "I" in case you don't understand this is a part talking. I'm fearful that I will say something and you will misunderstand and think all of me wsnts that, rather than just a part of me, so i end up saying nothing. I said she doesn't like that we talk about her in third person. He spoke to her directly and asked if she had any questions about the room. I said "you have a lot of plants". He said yes, and they all flower, except the cactus. I asked a couple more questions about the plants. Then I said "It's not fair that you were taken away from me". He said (still speaking to the young part of me) "you are right, it's not fair, and this last 6 months has been hardest of all on you" I said "adult Echos pushes me away" he said "I think she needs to feel she is in control, but your voice is important too". I looked around at the curtain which concealed the rest of his house. He said "you look like you might have another question?" I said "I had something else to say but I'm not sure it's okay" he said "do you want to try it?" I said again "I don't know if it is okay" he said "would it help if I said i won't say anything?" I nodded but I still couldn't say it. After a while I eventually said "I want to hug and kiss you" (this felt very childlike to me). He said "i hear that". I asked if it is okay. He said yes.
We then seemed to switch back to adult to adult conversation. I asked him how he had found it. He said he had felt relaxed about it, but that it was surreal when i first arrived, and that he found me wearing a mark weird, because I have these facial cues (which he described) and he missed being able to read them. I found that really interesting because he never told me that before and I didn't realise I did those things, and it made me feel seen, and like he pays attention to the detail. As I was leaving, he said "thanks for coming" and i said "thanks for having me" and I left.

My young parts are stirred up and excited and miss him a lot. It was a bizarre session at a bizarre time in our lives.