I spent most of today’s session talking about David Whyte. R asked how my week had been and I explained that the first workshop of the term with my students had been cancelled.
‘I really do not like my emotional side.’

‘That is really powerful. Can you say that again?’

‘I really do not like my emotional side.’
‘I can hear that discomfort.’

‘I feel as though that is in control at the moment.’
‘It is almost as if you had something to look forward to, and then it was taken away. You aren’t getting the opportunity to be Work Lost at the moment.’

We had a conversation about the fact that many of the things I see as foundational are external.

‘Being visual, I see a tower with lots of different coloured blocks. Some of them have shifted, but some have not changed. Don’t discount the work that you have done for yourself – that still remains.’
I needed a moment after that to collect myself. ‘Words are hard at the moment.’
‘That is OK, take your time, if you need it to think about what I just said.’

I can’t remember how we got from that to David Whyte, but I spoke about the past couple of workshops, and how I am always taking notes.

‘I can imagine you hanging on every word.’
‘It’s a positive application of fireworks display brain.’

‘It sounds like it’s something that is purely pleasurable.’
‘There is no cat-like unease when David talks about grief.’ R observed that when I talked about David’s friend passing, I did so easily, in contrast to my usual fear.
‘It sounds as though this is a really positive experience for you. It’s a space where you can be triggered and work through it, which hasn’t really happened before.’
‘For the first couple of days after the talk, my cup is so full it is as though it’s overflowing.’
R seemed genuinely pleased that I have found something to fill my cup. I asked why I was talking about David Whyte, and then redirected myself.
‘I almost heard the whip then!’
‘There’s something I really want to talk about…’

‘But?’
‘You’re quick!’

‘I’ve had my Weetabix this morning!’

‘A couple of weeks ago, I said there was something I wanted to pick up from a previous email.’

‘Do you want my help with that?’

‘Yes, please.’
R and I had another conversation about ‘catastrophic impact’ and the Critic’s use of the word ‘selfish.’
‘How do you feel when the Critic uses the word ‘selfish’?’

‘In general, or in relation to this?’

‘In relation to this, but in general if you want to get into it.’

‘I feel cowed by the Critic.’
R and I had a conversation about my perception of my response. If somebody I was close to had been directly affected, my perception would be different.
I said that I wanted to apologise for a comment I’d made a couple of weeks ago.

‘I feel I want to apologise for something I said. A couple of weeks ago, you asked me how in control I felt of my life, and I replied ‘What effing life?’ It’s not your fault, I didn’t want to blow up at you.’

‘I didn’t experience it as blowing up at me. If you need to swear, then swear. I quite like it when you swear, because I know you mean it.’
We were running out of time by that point, so R offered that we could pick up the unfinished conversation next week. I said I also wanted to have the PPE conversation, and asked her to hold me to it.
We did some breathing, but I couldn’t do much to relax my shoulders, as I slept funny on one of them.