Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope
I think you're realizing and seeing the incompatibility between you. It's a hard crash landing, especially when you've been working so hard on altering your own reactions and when when you're working SO hard on self improvement.
When your partner is not doing the same, it's very deflating. And it seems that no matter what you say to her, she won't budge or give you even an inch.
I hate to sound all doomsday, and I wish I could be a lot more positive about your relationship, but you're struggling SO much, and she doesn't give you any real hope for change, for improvement, for validation or for a happier marriage.
You may need to start considering the possibility of leaving her. I know you have a mixed family with children involved, but at some stage you have to ask yourself: AM I HAPPY? AM I FULFILLED? AND IS THIS HEALTHY FOR ME?
Edited to add:
It was ONLY when I told my husband I am leaving him and divorcing him, that he decided to make some much needed behavioral changes -- which he did. And as you know, there is still more to come that needs improvement. I got to another breaking point and told him (a second time), that I will leave him. He has since made additional changes and improvements, but that doesn't mean I will stay with him --- I need to see permanent and lasting changes.
But perhaps this little tidbit can give you some amount of hope, and when push comes to shove, maybe you need to lay down the line? The thought of breaking up a family and a new marriage can be daunting, but like I insinuated above, is it worth all of this CONSTANT MISERY AND PAIN? I would think not. Something to think about.
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Thank you. Ya, I feel you on dealing with your husband and having to take drastic measures. You sound like you have more energy than me. Maybe the kids are wearing me out. But I'm glad to see that your hard work has paid off some. That is smart to be patient and make sure the changes are lasting. We all slip up from time to time, but you can tell when there is a heartfelt change.
You asked before how couples therapy is going. I do see a change in her about her anger level, but it's only when it comes to her issues with me. It is a nice break to not have to deal with that, but that was never my main issue with her. Yelling doesn't bother me for very long. I can just tune it out. I guess I'm hoping she runs out of steam and the therapist starts to focus more on me.
It's literally been 3 times that I just brought up my problem of not being able to share my feelings and all three times it was met with hostility. The therapist thinks I'm just a typical guy who doesn't want to talk alot about feelings maybe? Maybe she thinks I'm making it up as an excuse to not have to talk? She asked me what it would take for me to be comfortable to open up, and I told her that I just want to be heard and not attacked. Then she ended the last session saying, maybe next week we can talk about good communication styles.
I'm really just getting bored of this. I already know how to communicate effectively with people who are civil. I don't think I am the problem. Maybe I'm being arrogant?