This is how I came to seek the Pattern because mathematics cannot, by their nature, have bias in them. The equation balances, or it does not, and if does not, you can work the problem backwards to see where the error lies.

I have worked the "problem" of my life backwards, found the error, and am unable to change it simply because time is linear. And yet, the probabilities for my future are limited because of bad choices in probabilities presented to me early in life. That, in turn, limits opportunity and circumstance in the future, from a purely mathematical viewpoint. I live within a diminishing set.

I test everything with math in my head. I "feel" the probabilities the way others feel wind brush against their skin. This was a defensive mechanism developed from the time I was like 3, and I've been able to extend out that sense to even be able to visualize with perfect clarity the places I am in and the people's positions around me based on auditory and tactile cues alone.

I can sense my future the same way, and it is unrelenting, making me think more and more in an amused fashion how much like Lost my life is in how the island adapted to it's occupants, or like A Waking Life, wherein the guy starts to realize he's not only dreaming, he's already dead and that's why he can't wake up. Seems to be an echo of my own life.

Even in a crowd, I will always be alone because I am self-aware to such an alarming extent that there is no coming back (or coming down, if you prefer, since there are days it feels like I'm clinging to the ceiling...). I am self-aware to the point of knowing that I do not think like normal people, normal defined only as the median arc of the bell curve. I would be at the far end of it.

It's not just depression, either. There's strong indicators of dissociative thought patterns, and borderline-like traits. There's also obsessive-thinking and some minor, harmless compulsions like collecting (though not hoarding). There's also PTSD-like obsessive fears and thoughts and institutionalization where routine becomes necessary to function; without which, I fall back into isolation.

I am even starting to develop delusional paranoia which is hard to tell myself is delusional, but I'm pretty sure that all of reality itself is conscious and self-aware on a level we cannot readily understand nor perceive because our scale is too small, but it's something like, the more particles there are within a system, the more potential energy, in other words, the greater the potential for higher intelligence. And the universe is vast on a scale not possible to comprehend in totality. If God exists, we live within His mind. I have to stay off of wikipedia because I end up straight in the theoretical physics section finding theorems that seem to jive together and all fit within this "delusion," if it can be called that.

And...I have the eerie sense that this consciousness is malevolently disposed towards me and actively works against me at the quantum level where exists the purest probabilities at the zero spacetime nodes. I cannot describe it better than that other than in metaphors.

You see? I am cracked. lmao The more I try to argue against it, the stronger it becomes and the more I find in my ramblings to support it. Who wants to live with that level of neuroticism? I have no intention of ever taking meds again because I have been on the full panoply of them, and they don't work. Well, Xanax did, but that's an addictive benzo. No thanks.

I apologize; I didn't want to thread-hijack, so I've enclosed this in a hidden box, but I wanted you to have some background on why I'm 99.99x10^15% certain I will always be alone. I was an evil person, and because of that, my future is now limited; that I long ago renounced it matters not, this wolf will always be black in the eyes of not only myself, but the entire world for all to see.