I perpetually look for that catalyst; the Pattern refuses to provide but for removing. Everyone leaves in the end. After my last ex, that was it. I have nothing left to give anymore. Therefore, there are no possibilities to increase. The proof of God's existence lay in the math. Every choice hurts myself because it's a pyrrhic choice. All choices are pyrrhic choices in my life. I don't need meds; I need to find my anodyne, only she doesn't exist. The particle and the wave...lol The duality of yin-yang, the two wolves, of black and white...I've tried to shift my perspective...and meds are artificial, gone as soon as you stop taking it so that's not really me, then, is it?

The cynicism has spawned spitefulness, and I fear that when the anodyne does come along, it will be yet another lure, impermanent and ephemeral, like trying to grasp sand.