Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves
I perpetually look for that catalyst; the Pattern refuses to provide but for removing. Everyone leaves in the end. After my last ex, that was it. I have nothing left to give anymore. Therefore, there are no possibilities to increase. The proof of God's existence lay in the math. Every choice hurts myself because it's a pyrrhic choice. All choices are pyrrhic choices in my life. I don't need meds; I need to find my anodyne, only she doesn't exist. The particle and the wave...lol The duality of yin-yang, the two wolves, of black and white...I've tried to shift my perspective...and meds are artificial, gone as soon as you stop taking it so that's not really me, then, is it?
The cynicism has spawned spitefulness, and I fear that when the anodyne does come along, it will be yet another lure, impermanent and ephemeral, like trying to grasp sand.
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The Self has many personas. Choosing to only identify with exactly one is just that. A choice. A confusion of the ego.
Particle and wave is just an example. I'm not speaking of duality. Duality is one small possibility in a quantum world. I am speaking of infinitude.
As for the real you... Let's just humor me and say that you have abnormal neuro activity. Your temporal lobe, the home of processing for many of the subjects you contemplate is firing abnormally. Maybe your neurochemical balance is off. Maybe your receptors are off. Is that really you? Does it matter if you could find peace of mind with your neurons firing in a more normal capacity? If you had diabetes would you refuse to treat it because the real you couldn't regulate your blood sugar levels normally?
Consciousness is more than what we see as the result of our electrochemical activity. I get that taking meds shifts consciousness. The physical is intricately linked to the non-physical, but we do not have to settle for imbalance because a physical structure within the body affects non physical attributes.
For example, my episodes are very mystical in nature. They are also steeped in physics and metaphysics. I contemplate some very deep subjects because the real me found interest in in them long ago and and I followed. I made a choice to open those doors.
When I am in the midst of an episode my world turns inside out and the synchronicity of events has an almost magical dream-like quality to it. That's great and it is a part of who I am. It all came from my choices.
However, it all eventually goes to a dark place and is dangerous and puts me at risk for losing all I hold dear. That's me too. The darkness is twisted and difficult to understand and accept, but its me. It has its place in my subconscious. However, it puts me at risk for death when my brain is out of balance, so I fight back. Pills are just one tool of many. They are actually the smallest took in my arsenal.
You are many perspectives. All quantum. All existing at once. Pull from the strength of the team that you are and have been and will be. If you're missing an aspect, connect with it. Create it. If you believe in God perhaps you believe you were createeld to be a creator. If you cannot find it within, a friend might light the way. They are not saviors, just wayshowers. You're the anodyne. <---thanks for expanding my vocab. I had to look that one up.
