Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael2Wolves
I weep, both in joy for you because you have your anodyne, and in despondency for myself simply because you just illustrated my point. You "dive deep" as you say in a way your husband does not. I'd wager that has something to do simply with the way the vast majority of people are wired to ignore the minutiae, but therein is where God is to be found, if He is to be found at all. The trace of His fingers upon the scales of the universe, as it were. Most men, I have found, do not think so deeply about these things; I have done so as a matter of boredom and ability to do so, when I probably shouldn't have. I have opened doors, and seen things through them that now demand answers and leave an itch in my head that I cannot scratch.
Women do not, on the whole, want to deal with neuroticism and someone who is an obsessive. Would that I was a mute and had to type everything out, my thoughts would come out a lot clearer, and I may have hung onto my ex...lol But thanks to not having been able to socialize when I was younger, I am now forced to play a game of catch-up, only, I don't know anyone anymore. Not irl.
I have indeed enjoyed this exchange and hope I have not come off as some pretentious *****-hat...I second guess myself even as I say stuff sometimes. lol I'm always analyzing. Part of my gallows-humor charm. 😂
Also, busymom, I say take your kids outside. Children have not been shown to be vectors of covid, and only immune-compromised people really need to worry outside. Covid doesn't spread well in sunlight and a natural environment. Go to the lake, picnic in the park.
As Frank Zappa would say, "Turn off, Tune in, and turn on your life."
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Well my brain perhaps takes a slightly different approach to God. I am a details person for sure, but I also focus on the other pole. I went looking for God down a road similar to yours and then had to simply laugh when I came to see the truth that the proof is everywhere. It is in the most complex and the simplest of forms. My tendency to dive deep served my need to see the big picture. Then I looked between the two poles and found the answer was the same.
My husband doesn't need the minutiae because he can simply know and trust. I lack that. I had to prove it and see it and know it from experience. Both paths are worthy. Mine was more laborious and perhaps ended up with a depth of understanding that his does not have, but he continuously held a faith I could not hold myself for a long time. What is better? Neither. Both.
Learning not to scratch that itch is a journey in wisdom. Learning to live and appreciate the moment fully without needing to break it down is difficult, but the fruits are worthy of the effort. I'm still working on this. My brain always pulls me to 'know' more, but then I am reminded of the fool card of the Tarot. There is no more to see. If God is fractal, the now is complete with all I need to know.
Taming that obsession may be your great work to be done here. It certainly is mine. It is a gift, but I must learn to tame it when it detracts from the value of my life. As for women, we are as varied as the stars in the sky. What attracts us is different for everyone and I have little doubt that there could be someone who would find beauty in your mind. However, it may require some form of greater balance on your part. A partner will sense the truth of your state and may choose to refrain of you cannot let go a bit and enjoy life alongside them. How ever you get to that point is unique and I feel you have the faculties to devise such a strategy if you turned your higher processing power inward.
I do not find you pretentious. I share many of the same thoughts. It is just who we are. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and you're worthy of friendship and love. I wanted to pass along what I've learned which is that the most important friendship and love comes from within and radiates outwardly. It then serves to attract that which balances the whole.
Too many thoughts generated by running your mind at full power all of the time generates excess entropy in your system. It does for me anyway, and the disorderd state takes hold. The great thing about our personal systems is that we are the designers and the users. We have the power to shift and then bring feedback into the system allowing for change. It is a tremendous opportunity. I used it to learn to relax a little and cool down my brain on fire. I learned to laugh at myself. The entropy is lessened as a result and then I can choose where to focus instead of focusing on everything constantly. That may not serve you, but I wanted to toss it out in case it gives you some ideas.
Be well my friend, and start a thread sometime. I'd love to speak with you again.
