Thanks to everyone for the info. It confirms what I know about all of these drugs. It is essentially a crapshoot as to whether or not it would be beneficial to me. As my pdoc once said, the best we can do is guess. They all seem to have side effects that can be detrimental given the right variables.

Bpcyclist, you crack me up. Get out of my brain! Of course I've leveraged my analytical and critical thinking skills to determine what's going on. I've also sought outside feedback. Here's what we have thus far.

My mood is fairly stable. I experience emotion regularly the vast majority of the time. I have agitation alongside my cycle and there are up and down times that coincide with life events, but the intensity is what one would expect of a normie.

I have obsessive traits. I have a deep need to know and I attack anything that comes along where I feel I am lacking in knowledge. I do this to my detriment and it was a factor in both of my episodes.

I stay away from the news pretty much altogether nowadays as I know it was a major component of my first episode. I haven't followed any of it since 2018. I have found this to be a freeing and wise move.

It appears that taxing my mind on project work is a major trigger for me. This happened in both episodes. I was working on something complex and my mind obsessed over it. I couldn't put it down when it was time to let go I began externalizing the work and it took on a wildly exaggerated existence.

I was diving way to deep in spiritual waters before each episode. The specifics were different each time, so I didn't see this angle properly the second time around. I am still working to find what fits, but for now I think keeping things as simple as possible is a good route for me. Daily gratitude and connecting with the Earth is a good zone to be in for now.

I cannot remember my fitness or diet routine before my first episode other than to say I was pretty healthy. I stopped working out about a month or so before the second episode and stopped paying attention to my food choices. I believe this is most definitely something to keep an eye on in the future. I track it closely now.

I have trauma in my past. Childhood and adult related. The childhood trauma was repressed and it surfaced days before I lost my mind the first time. It shattered me. I know it was a huge factor in how the doors to my illness unlocked. It wasn't at play the second time around. The psychosis had a similar feel, but the undertones were different.

Each episode coincided with a hormonal shift in my cycle. I 100% believe it is related. The same was true for my mother. I find it to be more than a coincidence.

No substance issues, but I did move from one cup of coffee to two right before I got sick the second time. I will not make that mistake again and if I desire more in the future I know it could be a sign of bad things to come.

Emotionally speaking there were triggers each time. The abuse was a big part of the first and I was also contemplating quitting my job. The second included some issues with my son that were disstressing. The thing about it is that the instability was already at play and then the emotional triggers occurred. They were not the root, just the straw that broke the camel's back. I need to go back further to see where it starts and the starting point lies within periods of emotional stability. The imbalance point seems to be a combo of mental stress due to obsession and physical issues.

Speaking of physical issues... I had multi-day headaches before each episode. I do not have headaches regularly and these were strange. It felt like a pressure in my brain at the brain stem and pain at my temples. I also had nausea that reminded me of morning sickness. My ability to eat properly was hindered. Then, the insomnia came. I am a great sleeper, so this was way out of the norm. My body was restless and I tossed and turned constantly.

I was not euphoric either time, but my mind raced. The first time progressed to where I could not sit still. I screamed a lot. I was like a puppet. I did not think, my body just acted instantly. I blacked out for a lot of it. The second time I was very calm, but my thoughts were psychotic. I did not black out for it. Essentially, I caught it and medicated it before it went off the rails.

In between episodes random delusional psychotic thoughts will pop up when triggered by something external. I squash them instantly as I know they are not real. They are like echoes and I see them as electrochemical responses that are triggered because my brain wired them deeply when I was ill and perhaps subconsciously at well times.

Treatment has been relatively easy. A tiny dose of Geodon seems to be a magic bullet for putting out the fire. That is consistent with people who have SLPE or schizophrenia like psychosis of epilepsy. However, my brain scans show no lesions or tumors thankfully.

I am currently tracking myself holistically looking for imbalance on any one front. I have thoughts about what brings these episodes on, but not enough data to prove it.

To sum it up... I'm on it. Analysis is my jam, except obsessive analysis is my downfall. It is a fine line, but I'm looking for answers and adjusting my strategy with eyes wide open. I'm also leaning on others to see through their eyes. Thanks for lending me yours. It is helpful.