@Guy111, at the root of many of your challenges is a history of individuals that chose to invalidate your value.

You experienced a marriage where your wife cheated on you and did not value you or your feelings. You have trauma in your history when it comes to others who were selfish and self absorbed and that affected your personal sense of value.

It's totally understandable that your wife getting dressed up sexy and going out and hunting for attention from strangers would trigger you. It's understandable that how you value her and make it a point to maintain a safe and good home at times feels unappreciated bringing on these feelings of not being valued. That feeling of how you are "not enough" and that your wife at times acts entitled can be triggering old hurts too. That there is no true depth behind her charming ways may be a reality about her that may be too hard to accept in that you want her to value and care for you so you don't get hurt like you did before.

It's commendable that your concern about what you choose to do isn't easy in that you genuinely don't want your choice to affect the children in this home you made for them.

Communication must contain messages to a partner that respect and value. It has to be mutual otherwise someone suffers. A partner has to care enough to work towards improving their communication.