My name is Tommy. I suffer from PTSD for a few reasons. Interestingly I have never been able to talk to friends or GF's about my past. I was married and my wife wouldn't even allow me the courtesy of talking about my past. My parents are my only witnesses who could validate my assertions and they passed away.
I was raised in violence.
Possible trigger:
My Dad, who I was told isn't my actual dad, was a true psychopath who had committed murders. He was quick to violence. I was accustomed to tables flipped, people being beat up. weapons displayed and visits from violent friends dad had who were in the modb and in both notorious biker gangs. Dad owned businesses and employed tough guys and my childhood involved seeing drug addicts, armed robberies, violent clashes at union meetings, jury member intimidation, jury tampering, menacing, assaults and stuff,
I was molested at 12 by a Desk Clerk at Disney World. He molested me and my female cousin. Dad started sleeping with my step sister - a stepdaughter to him. She was 16. Meanwhile my Gf 14 started sleeping with her stepfather George who was my Dad's gangster friend.
At school I was picked on extremely roughly. actually beat up because my step sister was flirting with teachers and sleeping with older guys. Somehow this reflected poorly on to my family and me. Before long I started to become violent myself. I started fighting back but not in a normal way. It's as if my innocence was stolen and I was shy, kind, yet when threatened I became evil and I could invoke just the right behaviour and summon up words that could pinpoint a person's fear. I was labeled crazy.
Around 16 to 18 I was a drinker and I could fight having seven years of jiu jitsu training. I was never a bully and always quick to forgive but I never backed down and I was afraid while out to dominate and conquer opponents. I was disturbed because I told people I could harm them and I felt I could but once they were not resistant and became passive it was as if evil left me and an angel arrived because I stopped all aggression and became friendly and cool. Again, this made me appear to be insane. But my life involved survival around thugs, gangsters, bikers, dealers, criminals... I was never robbed nor did I allow anyone to harm me.
In relationships I always felt like I had to back it down, the imagined power of control I thought I had. As if intrusive thoughts comforted me with: we'll allow that insult... he, she, it doesn't understand what I'm capable of.. let it go."
After my marriage fizzled out, no fault of my own. After siblings died and parents passed away its as if my life became my own. I don't associate with killers and criminals any longer. I don't have any reason to be on guard or be defensive or skilled in being a psychopath.
My life, through all the madness wasn't all fire and fury. I had seven and a half years hanging out at
two American late-night live television shows. I've written material for Movies, television, and radio. But that was many years ago. Now I'm a lonely guy who enjoys listening to friends do their podcasts while I post on twitter my brand of humor.
My regret is I never had a real lover, friend, gf I could talk to. No one to unburden myself to and go over it all and try to make sense of it all. It's not easy when your life is filled with extremes. I've tried to talk to therapists who've heard it all and even they find my life impossible and assume its all delusions. But then again the simplest things I've shared like my Mom was a Nurse's Aid or I went to carvel a month ago gets me strange dubious looks. Apparently those are also hard to believe stories that Mom was a Nurse's Aid and I have experienced carvel. So yeah who's going to be able to believe anything else that'sevn more extreme?