I'm wondering when I am going to accept I'm mentally ill. I don't mean in the passive sense, where I say to myself "I need help"or I'm unhappy and it's mental illness at the core. I mean when I am going to accept the fact I cannot function on my own. I can never stay "stable" enough to do any damn thing. People have mentioned in the past SSDI but the thing is that is a long road with a high rate of rejection and I'm not sure I want to even fight to prove my case. I've not concluded entirely I'm to the point that is necessary but I'm in a very bad place and it only seems to get worse. It's like I never fully recover from the stints of alltime lows. I've often daydreamed about becoming a cloistered monk or something.I'm fed, I'm clothed, I'm sheltered and my job is to help out around the place and pray.... it's definitely a stress relief from the world.

I know I am a failure, despite any potential I may have had. I know I'm a broken record but the achievements I made in life were with full opposition by everyone. Constant harassment and abuse ensued through it all. People don't understand how repeated nature of abuse affects someone. My threshold is so low I have such little tolerance for anything. I live my life locked away in a room, and it's where I feel the most comfortable. It doesn't help I'm right back where I started. I don't see the aggravation and deep-seated feelings ingrained into me about how incompetent I am to be of much use, so why entertain it? I just want to be left alone.

I don't have any goals anymore. I don't have anything anymore. I just want to stay in my room, and be alone. That's all.