Checking in. It's been four days since I was last here. Maybe five. The overnight thing messes me up. It's 3:47 AM EST. I'm not sleeping. That ***** called Mania is here. So is that asshole depression. I'm being torn apart. Can't sleep a wink. Ate one fast food sandwich for the day yesterday. That's not like me. Haven't showered since Tuesday. I promised my wife that I'd do it tomorrow... i meant today before church. I also need to take a walk before church. I might move that to afterwards though. I might need some sleep before walking on that main street with my wobble.

I am not suicidal. We decreased my Depakote on Monday because I couldn't keep my eyes open, but now I don't know. I have to stay at "work" until Friday. After that I can deal with any program I need to. But I won't. I won't go twice in one year. My wife needs me to be functional. I've been out of work so much this year.

I've made myself some promises. If they came back to me with an offer of something, anything, I'm walking away. They put too much pressure and poison onto people. They asked me if I had any questions, and I said, "Why didn't you pretend that you weren't going to fire me? You made it obvious." They said nothing. I'm floored by that.

My next job I will find a way to use my skills to help people. I really want to help others. I want to help myself too. My problem? No college. I made it up to a pretty high salary with no college. I don't know how I'll do anything else. I'm really nothing. I have tons of experience, but when I get to education, there's not much to say that I chose a different path and have suffered for it. It's not important for me to go back now. For me, the money is better served towards my kids. I don't know if I'll see near a penny of it again. I don't know what I've given up, and for what!? I actually made a statement two months ago that if it came down to a single mother and I for the job, that I'd rather she keep it. Today, I panic if that was the moment that I ruined my kids' lives.

I'm having a really hard time tonight so I'm going to go watch a movie about living with bipolar disorder and see how lousy I can feel.

I hope that you are all sleeping in your night cycles when they reach you, are watched over by your higher power, and are finding what you need to heal and grow.