Ugh. Ever get the feeling that you just want to give up on every single person around you and live by yourself? I’ve just had it. All the negative news, all the blatant disregard for basic human rights and decency. And that’s just the public.

Personally I’ve had it with my family. My mom, my uncle and his family, my late husband’s family (except my SIL), everyone. Like I know I get on a roll for something reason where I just start thinking of something and it’s all I think about for weeks whenever I have any down time. Well right now it’s how miserable of a childhood I had. I’m not even joking when I say I cannot recall a time when I was ever happy. Even when my dad was alive. My mom’s depression overshadowed everything.

I think it’s all been triggered by the realization that she’s exactly the ****ing same as she’s always been. She’s had thirty years to get her **** together and she still makes no effort. The hoarding thing was the last straw. When she said she had to go through her books...and then I looked around and saw the dozens of new decorations...it’s like a switch flipped and turned all the lights on. She’s never, EVER going to change. I don’t know, maybe I always held out hope? But that’s pointless now. It’s almost as if she likes being miserable.

I HAVE to get my grandmother to change the executor of her will to me. I have to. I know she didn’t choose me originally because of my issues with mental illness, she thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Plus my late husband was stealing money from her through me (basically he made us penniless and made me beg her for money, and then spent THAT money on drugs too without my knowledge). But he’s gone now and I am very strong. Do I have my moments? Yes I do. But I can put my emotions aside and get **** done. My mom can’t do that. She even said to me she hopes she goes before my grandma dies because she can’t handle dealing with my uncle. That’s pretty ****ing unlikely, considering my grandma is 83 and my mom’s only 61.

I’m just done with it. My late husband’s family is no better. His dad is insane. Racist, homophobic bigot who likes to air out family laundry on Facebook. My MIL is also a racist homophobe but she keeps it to herself. Not that it makes it better.

I like RS’s core family. He’s got a lot of ****ed up cousins but he’s distanced himself from them. He’s agreed that he definitely wants a small wedding. I’m so glad! We can have it at my dream venue and exclude everyone who sucks by just saying “oh well, small event “