Ugh, yes. It is difficult. I've had many moments of spiritual awakening in my life - at least that's what they seemed to be, and still seem to be. But part of me questions...what if it's just bipolar disorder me? What if the God, or Creator, or Universal Spirit, or whatever name I assign - what if it's only the manifestation of my BD?
And then I ask myself why it matters.
Well, because. It does matter.
And then I am at a place of stepping where I know better than to take myself.
So I try not to dwell on it. I try to feel solidly good about believing in the Spirit of the Universe, because I believe It has helped me out so many times. So many times. But then I want to throw out all my meds and feel that Spirit the way I know I can, which is HUGE and BRIGHT and AMAZING and REAL!!!!! I'm so lucky, I'm surely blessed to be able to have the privilege of actually knowing the reality of God!
Oh, but...
So I reel myself back in and just trust that it's all okay. That the Spirit is there for us, regardless of how we are or are not.