That is definitely not an easy situation to remove yourself from. I can identify with the dark thoughts; there was a time when the 'permanent solution' seemed like the best one. My life is different than yours though, I don't have a husband or children. It sounds like your husband does not want to accept your illness, and saying in hindsight he did not want to have children with you is a hard, cold thing for him to say. I hope he doesn't say that around your child.

And... you help his ex-wife? That, to me, seems totally unnecessary. But that's just me. I don't live your life....

When I experienced dark thoughts and said to myself "I want to just curl up and die", there was some part of me that was still there, some part of me that was still connected to the world that told me I had to figure the mess out and fix it. I also knew that fixing it would not take an hour, a day, a week, a month, or maybe not even a year. But it knew I had to get myself on a different path in order to fix what was wrong.

If you want a different life, you have to figure out exactly what kind of life you want, then go get it. I reached out to people at work, which was the best thing for me to do at the time, because they helped me get the resources I needed to feel better. I realized that my past pattern was to focus on trying to get to a place where I would be happy, and that wasn't working. So recently I made the choice to be happy. It wasn't easy, and I know it won't be for you, especially while you deal with bipolar, and it took several months but I was finally able to find the final pieces to the puzzle that is my life.

I wish I could offer more to you, but I am not a trained professional and all I can say is that I do identify with you. Sometimes it seems like everything we've worked for and all the progress we've made is for nothing. When I was young, I remember learning to juggle (balls, not life events). I spent a whole year practicing a 30-second routine. All that work for a mere 30 seconds of entertainment? Dam. But that's life. At least for that 30-seconds, I can impress the **** out of people.

If you're like me, you want to be happy. It sounds like your husband isn't supporting you right now. I hate to say it, but you must support yourself, and it sounds like you can't rely on him for support. That is very unfortunate, but accepting that reality is the first and biggest step to creating your own reality.

I hope you figure this out!!!!