I wanted to join this site to see if I could talk to anyone who can help me with the pain. I'm drowning in grief right now—remnants from my mom's death a few years ago, but also from my ex's death a month ago.

He was the love of my life. I've been battling with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) since high school, and I met him in college. Since then, he was the reason I've been striving to get better and be better. After losing my mom, I had a hard time opening up to people, and lost my will to live entirely—but when I met him, I could finally see myself growing old with someone. I could finally see a future.

After 4 years of being together, I was diagnosed with cancer, and I broke up with him. He was at the peak of his career; I didn't want to be a burden, and I didn't want him to see me like that. He didn't want to break up, but I turned my back on him. It's a selfish reason, I know, but at the time, I thought it was for the best. I thought we still had all the time in the world.

I never stopped loving him. I focused on treatments, surgeries, and getting better, so that I could finally get back with him. He was, again, the purpose behind my meaning, and everything I did, I had him in mind.

After 2 years of us not together, my doctor told me things had gotten worse.

I decided I couldn't fight it anymore. I HAD to tell him I still loved him. I realized that whatever time I had left in this world—3 months, 1 year, 10 years—I wanted to spend with him. I had no idea what he felt anymore, if he was even single, or if he wanted to see me. But whatever his answer was, I needed to tell him. So I made up my mind, picked a day to go over to his house to confess, planned my speech and all.

He died a week before I could tell him.

I'm so angry, and confused, and devastated, and scared. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of what I might do. I feel as if my lungs have been taken away from me. Some days I can function, numb; some days I feel like I'm gasping for air on the ocean floor.

The worst thing is, I know no one who feels like I do for him. I was his first and only girlfriend; he never got into a relationship after ours ended. I don't know what to do with all the memories I have of him, and with him, in my head. I feel like I'm drowning alone in my pain.

That was quite an introduction, sorry. But I had to get it out. Really hoping I could talk to someone.